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Open Post: Hosted By The Phillies Fan Who Took A Hot Dog To The Face

Ok, fair warning – the moment of impact isn’t shown by Inside Edition (via HuffPost). It’s understandable, because the victim of the Philly Phanatic’s hot dog blast is a lady who looks like everyone’s mom. If it was some just some 20-something douche, there would already be memes a’ plenty.

Kathy McVay was just sitting in the stands enjoying the game when she took a frank to the face shot from a hot dog-shaped cannon. (They don’t do stuff like this at Fenway Park. Normally, dudes just splash beer on each other and heckle the players. I think there’s a mascot?)

“It came down with such force, like a ton of bricks,” she told “Inside Edition.” “My glasses flew off, and I started bleeding.”

There are so many dick to face jokes here that shouldn’t be made at Kathy’s expense. Luckily, there was no concussion, but her face is going to be effed up-looking for a little while.

“Mostly, it’s going to get worse before it gets better,” she told WPVI-TV. “It’s going to go down the side of my face.”

And she has a good sense of humor.

“At least it’s funny,” McVay told NBC Philadelphia. “It’s a story I can tell people. My only thing is just to warn people just to be careful.”

Be careful of hot dogs shot at your face. Check. The Phillies apologized to Kathy and gave her free tickets to a future game. Hopefully, that came with a catcher’s mask specially designed to deflect meat.

Pic: HuffPost/Inside Edition

Maria Shriver Set Her Kid Up With Chris Pratt

If you woke up panicked this morning that your smoke alarm was going off, or that two angry alley cats were making sweet, angry alley cat love under your bedroom window: RELAX. It was just Sally Field scream-crying because Maria Shriver achieved what Sally could not: the successful pairing of her beloved offspring to a celebrity.

According to People, the reason Chris Pratt and Maria’s daughter Katherine Schwarzenegger are possibly boning is all thanks to Maria’s meddling.

“A source tells PEOPLE the actor, who turned 39 on Thursday, has been on “multiple dates” with the eldest daughter of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver. In fact, Shriver, 62, played matchmaker! “Maria helped set them up,” the source says, adding, “It’s still new.”

No word on how Maria and Chris know each other, but I’m speculating that based on her son Patrick’s dating history (see Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus and – fingers crossed! – Taylor Lautner), Mama Bear Maria is trying to pick her kids’ main boos from now on to avoid future family (Kennedy AND Schwarzenegger) scandals (too many to link).

Let’s review the cold hard bland facts. Katherine is 28, so there’s only a ten year age difference, which isn’t huge in Hollywood-land. Chris and ex-wife Anna Farris appear to be having a pretty amicable split, and the “appropriate” amount of alone time (about ten months) has passed. Both Chris and Katherine are in to charitable work – she’s focused on animal welfare and has written a children’s book about her dog, while he is a no attention seeking do-gooder with a laundry list of do-gooder causes.

Based on the lack of juicy gossip swirling around this latest celebrity – YAWN – pairing, I’m more excited to know about these tantalizing facts, also provided by People:

During their lunch date, they shared sandwiches, potato chips and apples on a park bench and were seen smiling and laughing.

What kind of sandwiches?! Po’ Boy, hummus wraps, banana & peanut butter? What kind of potato chips?! Biscuits & Gravy, Ketchup, Dill Pickle? And for the love of God, WHAT KIND OF APPLES?! Granny Smith, Pink Lady, Gravenstein? What a cliff hanger! Stay tuned for more exciting exclusives of late breaking food news.

Pic: Wenn.com

Cynthia Nixon Revealed That Her Oldest Kid Is Transgender

Oh, Miranda Hobbes. You were the unsung heroine and frequent possessor of the short end of the stick on the late, not-exactly-lamented-due-to-those-two-SHITTAY-movies Sex and the City. (Don’t give me that. That show had the best series finale in TV history. Everyone got a happy ending and Carrie got slapped. I kid! Sort of. There was absolutely no need for those flicks.) Seriously, Cynthia Nixon was the best actress on that show and she usually had to contend with storylines like dudes in sandwich costumes trying to fuck her.

Nevertheless, the acclaimed actress of stage and screen (who already had two kids) went on to become a wife (to a wife), had another kid, beat breast cancer, and is now running for governor of New York! One of Cynthia’s platforms is LGBTQ rights, and she celebrated her 21-year-old transgender son Seph’s (Samuel Joseph Mozes) graduation from the University of Chicago on Instagram.

Cynthia posted on the Trans Day Of Action supporting transgender and non-gender conforming people and their allies every year. Hopefully, Seph and his mom avoid reading the comments, because wow, people are assholes. And this is coming from a HUGE asshole who is a big asshole to celebrities on the weekends. But there are levels of asshole, right? At least that’s what I plead to my therapist.

People reports that Cynthia has two kids, Seph and brother Charles Ezekiel, 15, with her ex-husband Danny Mozes. And she’s also mom to her youngest son, Max Ellington, 7, with wife Christine Marinoni (aka Rojo Caliente!!!).

All this big life stuff AND Cynthia had to deal with how her SATC co-star and friend Kim Cattrall publicly revealing her hatred for her other SATC co-star and friend Sarah Jessica Parker might affect her future gubernatorial campaign! After all, her opponent Andrew Cuomo could always point out how odd it is to remain friends with SJP after Samantha Jones revealed her as conniving and evil. He could say “I mean, Samantha was the best character on the damn show and everyone knows that SJP is evil. Did you see Divorce? That shit was awful. Who would inflict that on anyone? Evil! Vote Cuomo!”

Pic: Instagram

Chip And Joanna Gaines Are Parents For The Fifth Time

Posting for Dlisted can often be an educational experience. Before my time here, concepts like lucite heels, the importance of the British Royals and dickmatization were all foreign to me (ok, that last one wasn’t).

As an example, the punctuation known as “question mark” settled upon my frontal lobe when the word “shiplap” came up in reference to former Fixer Upper hosts Chip Gaines, 43, and his possibly-unfamiliar-with-how-the-U.S.-legal-system-works wife Joanna Gaines, 39, having their fifth kid. The fuck is shiplap, I asked? And then I had to educate myself about distressed wood, picture frames that old-timey ship captains might like and really big clocks. And I learned that “shiplap” are those gray planks that have been out in the sun and then tortured by a sander for some rich asshole’s summer cottage. These two live on a dock near a fake eucalyptus grove, right? My education was furthered by learning the Joanna might be displeased with me being married to a large, hairy man who knows computers and likes showtunes and pizza. Well, eff these two and their ugly stuff!

By the way, Joanna had their fifth kid and it’s a boy, according to People. Gotta get the news in there somewhere. Toothy Chip announced the birth via Twitter Bird.

Their unnamed tot (May I suggest “Shiplap Gaines?” Or just call it quits on the down-to-earth act and call the kid “Magnolia,” for branding purposes.) joins his already in progress siblings Emmie Kay, 8, Duke, 9, Ella, 11, and Drake, 13 in their purely decorative manteled palace in Waco, TX.

If you walk into any Tarjhay nowadays, the ground zero of their Home Decor section has a big metal triangle frame marking off and hovering over a fuckload of brass objet, artificial greenery and mini-barn doors to hang over your toilet. That’s Chip and Joanna’s Hearth & Hand™ With Magnolia line and it’s set up so you think that Jesus himself blessed Target with a store within a store. And none of it’s any different than the shit you could buy at Target before, except it’s pricier, because these two and their blinding veneers put their name on it.

Congrats on your fifth kid, but it makes me miss Paige Davis’ “Prison of Love” bedroom. THAT was style AND class.

Pic: Instagram

Madonna Threw Shade At Beyonce

Hello, fellow Dlisted-ers! I’m Jovi, reporting from Seattle, WA. Where I spend most of my time staring at the mailbox waiting for a magical letter confirming that I am the dumpster lust baby conceived by Jerri Blank and Laird at the Flatpoint High “Make Out Dance.” The other 20 minutes of my day, I enjoy sitting on the front porch, critiquing the Grunge Revivalists that pass by, wiping away tears of nostalgia and sighing about how easy it is to buy pre-ripped jeans and flannel shirts now. We really had to thrift hard for that shit back in the day. Anyway, enough curmudgeonry, let the antics begin!

Poor Madonna has probably been feeling a bit “True Blue” lately, as she hasn’t had any viable press or felt “Cherished” since the Met Gala six weeks ago, so she decided to throw a little “Ray of Light” on herself (luckily, that’s all I’ve got). Well, Madge got the attention she craved this morning, but not entirely the kind she had in mind.

According to NewNowNext, on Friday June 22nd, Madonna posted a photoshopped still from Beyonce and Jay-Z‘s new single “Apes**t” from their new Everything Is Love album released as “The Carters” (not to be confused with the OG hot as fuck singing CarterMother Maybelle). Instead of precious works of art from the Louvre, Beyonce and J are seen gazing in awe at a sampling of Madonna’s record covers. It’s not just the photo, but the accompanying quote that has the BeyHive passing kidney stones this morning. On her Twitter page, Madge wrote:

“Learning from the Master…………..lol.

Oh, boy. Along with approximately 1,873,466 bumblebee emojis for having implied that not everything Bey and J touches is fresh, sparkling clean and brand new, Madge got called out for being racist. I feel this tweet from @JUSLIKEMIKE863 pretty much sums up The Hive’s (and many mortal human’s) thoughts:

Madge hasn’t exactly gone on damage control overdrive, but the word “Master” is omitted from her Instagram page and the comments have been disabled. Her Twitter has the original text and comments preserved (for now) in all their glory. She’s also added a James A. Baldwin poem to her Instagram that could be considered a blanket retort:
“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hate so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”
I think “stubborn” and “pain“-ful are good words to describe this situation.
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