Swifties (and president Donald Trump) stared at the sun all afternoon, and all they got were singed retinas! Taylor Swift, the sneakiest foal of all the My Little Ponies, is responsible for many a dry cleaning bill this Monday. All her fans shat themselves over the weekend upon learning she had wiped her social media clean. In real person world, that’s the second step after a new haircut in showing your ex-boo you’re well on your way to a “new you.” In TayTay world, it means you have a new album about to drop, and you’re going to induce the drip, drip, drip of water torture on your fans and have them do some really weird shit for a week so they can find out the name of the lead single.
HAHA, joke’s on you betches, for your “Taylor Swift is a snake“ meme. Shes TOTALLY in on it, too, because that’s what cool-as-a-cucumber cat owners do. Right?! RIGHT?! She ran out of ex-boyfriends to sing about, so it’s only natural her next “I was wronged” warble is aimed at 80% of the posters on social media. Just kidding. 99%. Well, it could be to them, or just to that court room sketch artist who took a few, ah, creative liberties when TSwift was in court testifying the other week against that DJ ass grabber.
E! News burped up all the clues fans had found that the album was coming, and some thought it was going to tie in with today’s solar eclipse since, well, this is Taylor Swift, and a natural phenomenon is about the only thing left for her to try and upstage. I’m sure every Swifty was on Weather.com watching the livestream of the eclipse expecting her the pull a Katy Perry/Spotify mind game and release the new track just as the moon was blocking out all the light over Nashville. And Karlie Kloss’s house, just cuz.
Apart from the social media blackout, some people with nothing better to do detective fans went into the coding on Taylor’s website and found in that mess a slew of letters that, if you subtracted a letter from each, you got “that’s what they don’t see.” You weren’t going to see the sun this afternoon and omigod it MUST mean that’s the name of the new song!
Some were saying America was going to lose $700 million in productivity today due to the eclipse, but I doubt that. Tay kept every cardiologist across the country working ’round the clock tending to her fans and their new album anxiety. DirecTV also let the Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson out of bag, because it says Taylor will be on Good Morning America on Aug. 31. PLUS, if you flip 31, you get 13, which is Taylor’s favorite number. Good work, fans! It’s shit like this where I often think members of the Beyhive must wake up each morning, take a look at the Swifties, and say, “Sure, we overuse the bumblebee emoji, but at least we aren’t THAT bad!”
Taylor Swift went all Zero Dark Thirty last week on social media, leading fans to speculate that new music was finally on the way. Today, Swift returned to eclipse the eclipse.
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) August 21, 2017
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?!?!
Some fans speculated that news would be released at 2 PM eastern, but I’m writing this at 3:30 PM Eastern and there has been no news. Haven’t we learned that Taylor does stuff on her own time?
In digging deeper, fans found out that “Timeless” was registered in her name, leading most to assume that “Timeless” will either be the name of the album, the first single, or possibly both.
— TS6 (@TaylorSwiftN0W) August 21, 2017
That’s really all the information that’s out there right now. Why are you doing this to me, Taylor?
Since we have nothing to go by except a 10-second clip, allow me to write far too many words on what the 10-second clip may represent.
1. There’s no music attached to the clip, which means there’s no hint of what the album might sound like. There’s not even a hint that this has anything to do with music.
2. It appears to be a dragon tail. Maybe she just watched Game of Thrones, is a big fan of Emilia Clarke, and is doing this to get her attention. Or maybe she represents the dragon and is about to do this to the music industry and her enemies:
3. The footage is choppy. Taylor has gone broke in the three years since 1989. Maybe she should have sued that DJ for more than $1. She needs to put out a new album so she can be rich again and make higher quality videos.
4. Some people have speculated that it’s a snake. It’s not a snake. It’s too prickly to be a snake. But I’ll humor everyone pretend that it’s a snake. If it’s a snake, then in the next video, its head will get chopped off. Taylor is not the snake. She’s the one who chops off the head of a snake.
5. And that’s why it’s a dragon. Because why would her first video back be of a snake? Snakes are painted as negative animals who lie and deceive. Dragons are awesome. Taylor Swift is awesome.
6. Someone should fix the tracking on the video.
7. The only distinct colors are red, blue, green, white, and black. Five colors representing her five previous albums (Taylor Swift – White, Fearless – Green, Speak Now – Blue, Red – Red, 1989 – Black). If you have to ask why the color goes with that album, never speak to me again. This is her sixth album, but she still gives us no hint as to what it could represent as there is not a sixth color.
8. She released the video the same day as the eclipse. Does that mean the album will be light to dark to light again? Or does it mean she will eclipse all other artists with this album? Or does it mean nothing? It definitely means something.
I have roughly 1981 more theories, but let me stop there. Just hurry up and grace me new music, Taylor. I need to know how to feel again.
Leave it to Taylor Swift to take over the Monday morning news cycle with one very mysterious, captionless post. After fully wiping her social media accounts clean last week, the singer shared a brief, dark clip of a snake on Monday, prompting fans to fully freak out and wonder what in the world she's got up her sleeve. Remember when Taylor's Instagram account was flooded with snake emoji in the wake of her feuds with Katy Perry and Kim Kardashian? Something tells us that probably has a little something to do with it. A few possibilities:
- New music is imminent. Based on Taylor's typical album-release schedule, it's likely that she'll be releasing new music very soon - possibly with a darker tone, and probably during or leading up to Sunday's MTV VMAs. Which brings us to our next theory . . .
- Taylor will perform with Katy Perry at the VMAs. Along with hosting the show, Katy is also among the confirmed performers for this year's VMAs. And what could possibly make more headlines than Taylor and Katy pairing up and putting their longtime feud to rest onstage?
- Taylor will appear in Katy Perry's new video. On Monday, Katy posted a clip of her upcoming "Swish Swish" music video - the song she allegedly wrote about Taylor, writing, "COUNTDOWN TO CATASTROPHE." Is it a coincidence that Taylor "starred as Catastrophe" in her "Bad Blood" music video? Hmm . . .
Remember when Taylor Swift purged her social media accounts, wiping out every post and every photo? Her big "Blank Space" event of 2017.
Well she's back, uploading the same post to Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, and Instagram -- with no words and no audio. Just a short, silent video.
Of a snake.
Okay, so, we all remember how, after enjoying two years at the very top of the celebrity food chain, Taylor Swift was betrayed in 2016.
Overexposure from being adored so strongly for her 1989 album had large portions of the population primed to turn on Taylor over pretty much anything.
They got two excuses:
First, following their breakup Calvin Harris ranted about Taylor on Twitter.
Smelling blood in the water, Kim Kardashian struck.
Carefully judging her timing, Kim released a series of Snapchat videos of that call, which -- though we don't get the full conversation -- made it appear that Taylor Swift had been fully aware of Kanye's hurtful lyrics about her.
People who resented Taylor Swift but had been holding their silence for ages took to Twitter, and that hateful "Taylor Swift Is Over Party" was born.
And Taylor's detractors celebrated by referring to Taylor as a "snake" and by posting snake emojis as comments on her social media.
But it's impossible to look at Taylor's teaser video, of a snake's tail, and not think of those emojis.
As Taylor certainly was.
Throughout that entire shameful affair in 2016 and through Taylor's remaining largely quiet on social media since then, we've been eagerly anticipating what sort of music Taylor would write about her experience.
It looks like we're going to get to hear it at last, and before too long.
There's no telling if this video is leading up to a single or an album or both. Taylor hasn't actually said anything yet.
But we think that it's safe to say that Taylor Swift posting a snake's tail video isn't a preview of a wildlife documentary she's been working on.
We have to note that releasing a teaser that's so minor and enigmatic is such a power move and we are here for it.
Honestly, we're having so much fun imagining possible names and titles for albums and songs.
Ouroboros? That's the snake devouring its own tail, a metaphor for basically everything.
Lamia? That's a half-human, half-snake who devours young men. That would be perfect for Taylor, in the vein of "Blank Space."
Gorgon? Snakes for hair might be a little on-the-nose, but it would be a great metaphor for media attention (gaze turning folks to stone and all that).
Apep? That's the serpentine demon of the night who battles the Sun God Re to bring about eternal darkness.
Venom? Straight and to the point.
We saw the snake's tail without the snake's head, so we're not predicting a song called "Amphisbaena" just yet -- though that's a two-headed snake.
Obviously, Taylor isn't going to let us name her album or the tracks on it.
If she did, though, we'd name that album "Lamia."
We think (and hope) that enough time has passed that Taylor can come back into the spotlight after being essentially absent for so long.
Taylor Swift won her countersuit against the man she accused of sexually assaulting her.
It's only been, what, a week since that victory, and she's already teasing her new music.
It looks to us like Taylor was just waiting to put her legal battle behind her before she moved forward with new music.
1989 was one of the best albums that we've heard in our lives, so we really cannot wait to hear what she'll come out with next.