What is the thought process behind a woman intentionally taking a selfie with Kim Kardashian? I know exactly what my thought process would be. I would be thinking: Welp, my value among my female followers just shot up through the roof. But I cannot believe that women are thinking that same thing. There is no way they can think that by taking a picture with one of the most beautiful women alive today can possibly make their own worth increase, because they can only pale in comparison.
I have never heard a man exclaim that he was thrilled that the girl he was about to go out on a date with had a picture taken with a celebrity. The only possible reason that he could have for that would be to use the uggo to get to the better looking one. I do not condone such actions, but I understand them. It is like window shopping. If I walked past a store display and saw something that I liked, but when I walked in to buy it was told that it was not for sale then I would be pissed.
And that is why I do not like it when women take vanity pictures with more attractive women.
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Barbra Streisand isn’t the prettiest woman on Earth and the proof is in the lack of sexual harassment. When all the pretty young ladies were earning their MeToo merit badges, Streisand wasn’t worth the trouble of a powerful man whipping it out and asking her to sing into his mic. Clearly the benefits of sharing a striking resemblance to Andy Samberg in eyeliner in the early years. At her current tender age of one foot in the door of the afterlife, her unattractive erection killing facial features are transitioning from blossoming to full bloom. Who knew that in addition to a person’s ears and nose, the ugly continues to grow for an entire lifetime as well. Barbra’s facial situation at the moment teeters at the cusp of her Pokemon-esque evolutionary first stage and second. She’s about two wrinkles away from fully evolving into owning the face of Donatella Versace before ultimately reaching her final stage as an androgynous, mustache-less Steven Tyler.
During a tribute to Streisand’s decades of TV music specials and other programs, producer and long-time admirer Ryan Murphy queried her about her career, the #MeToo movement and her aversion to interviews. “Never,” she replied when asked if she had been sexually mistreated. “I wasn’t like those pretty girls with those nice little noses. Maybe that’s why.”
Did you know that one of the monsters in the illustrated book Where The Wild Things Are happens to be based on Barbra’s face? At no point am I surprised that a woman who currently looks like what Sarah Jessica Parker will look like in 2038 never managed to be harassed by high powered men, either previously in her past or recently. I’m pretty sure the only thing stopping her from completely looking like the Crypt Keeper are globs of expensive Mac make-ups and various concealers. Even the scummiest of sexual harassers have standards. And yes, Barbra looks stunning for most cadavers her age but if some guy tried to slide inside with or without permission, he’d instantly be labeled a deplorable by everyone on this planet.
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Maybe mandatory military service is not the worst thing that can happen to a society if it means that Gal Gadot is the type of woman that it produces. There is probably a lot more that goes into it than simply making her learn to fire a rifle, but I think it plays a part. For example, putting a woman into a uniform may increase her fitness, but it is unlikely to give her the bone structure that Gal has.
Her cheekbones are so strong that a blacksmith could use them as an anvil and he would not know the difference. Her face probably would not be any worse for wear either. She probably took a right cross to the face during her time in the Israel Defense Force and it does not look like it left a lasting impression.
The last time I took a blow to the face I ended up with two black eyes and a permanent fear of pickle jars. Despite my searching in the yellow pages, it does not look like there is a psychoanalyst who specializes in this type of phobia. That surprises me because it seems like there would be a pickle jar in every house in the country, and that should drastically increase the chances of foul incidences occurring.
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I’m the first person to admit that if I eat one extra donut a day I look like a potato with toothpicks sticking out of it, so I’m not going to blame Selena Gomez for being fat as fuck in these new pap pics making the rounds. Gomez is the body positive guru we didn’t know we needed, and by flaunting her frame in these images taken on a yacht in Australia, she’s saying “My belly extends out as far as my tits and I’m not going to apologize for it.” The scar from her publicity transplant only adds to the Dolly’s Splash Country waterpark single mom with ten kids vibe that she’s got going. And it just works. So, would you hit it?
Photo Credit: Backgrid