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Posts by Kristian
Duchess Meghan has wasted no time becoming a Royal tyrant who runs the castle with malevolent will and heartless calculation. …At least, that’s what The Daily Mail is saying. “Palace insiders” tell them that Meghan has done so many horrible things like: texting the people who work for her, wearing different clothing and even having Hollywood friends! The gall of this Michael K’s rival! I am clutching my pearls!
Meghan has been driving the staff over at Kensington Palace up the walls. And it’s a palace, so those are some high ceilings. This girl, who has married into a life of luxury where all she has to do is look flawless and attend social events, has decided that she still will wake up at the crack of dawn and bother everyone around her with text messages!
“[Meghan is] an early riser, up at 5am rain or shine, and it is said palace staff have never experienced anything remotely like Meghan’s formidable work ethic, matched only by the incessant stream of ideas about how to shape her role… Well-meaning as she is, her particular brand of ‘up and at ’em’ West Coast energy is an uncomfortable fit with the more formal ethos of some palace staff.”
The Brits are known for their calm demureness (unless you’re watching Geordie Shore) so Meghan’s waking up at 5:00 AM is a no go. Do not speak to anyone in the palace until after their 6:30 AM cup’a Earl Grey, thankyouverymuch.
Also pissing off the Royals, is Meghan’s clothing choices. Apparently the Queen is “said to have expressed surprise that Meghan, a divorcee, wore quite such a white dress for her wedding.” What… a bitch. Like everyone from Kensington Palace was a pure virgin? Haven’t y’all intermarried during history? I’d take a white dress on a non-virgin over fucking a sibling any day. But the wedding dress was just the start of it.
“Meghan is being told she needs to start dressing less like a Hollywood star and more like a Royal,” says a source from one of the Royal’s fashion teams. And Meghan also messed up hard back in August when she wore a black tuxedo to Hamilton and showed her legs, get this: “a few inches above the knee”! Why don’t you just show everyone a picture of your unwaxed cooch, Meghan?
And don’t even get the Royals started on what this trick did when she was supposed to wear a hat! After one of the Queen’s aides told Meghan that the Queen would be wearing a hat, she was like “that’s cool, awesome, good for her,” and didn’t wear one herself. Apparently she didn’t get the message that she “should follow suit.” Get the message, girl, or the Queen will sew that fascinator into your face.
And you know what else is stuck up the Queen’s ass? Meghan’s friends.
“Under her direction, the old money and even older lineage that traditionally formed part of the Royal Family’s inner circle has been joined by sports stars and A-listers… The Clooneys are said to be so close to the new royal couple that they played host to Meghan and Harry at their opulent Lake Como villa in August.”
Ugh. Can you imagine? How dare she pollute the high-class regal excellence of all of the inbred wealthy royal adjacents by including some low-class multi-millionaire celebrities? Ick. I mean, honestly. If you’re going to bring Hollywood to the Palace at least bring the ones who are equal in terms of Royal blood, worth, esteem and knowledge. AKA Goopy Paltrow is the only one allowed.
And now for some news that proves that Thanksgiving week only gives us the most important stories…
When it comes to shocking break ups where everyone assumed the couple would be together forever, many names come to mind. Of course the most recent would be Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, but a classic would also be Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Another, less publicized but equally epic in terms of it’s love story, was the short-lived whirlwind romance of Noah Cyrus and Soundcloud rapper Lil Xan. The two of them broke up back in September, shocking the world and making Cupid hit the bottle hard as he tried to drown his sorrows of another star-crossed romantic failure. Well he better get himself another bottle of vodka, because Noah is putting a nail in the coffin of her once true love, saying that it was all a “mistake”.
People is reporting that Noah Cyrus let us all know that she will never be getting back together with her Cheetho-loving ex-boyfriend, leaving a comment on one of World Star’s Instagram posts about mistakes in relationships:
Noah, who is clearly a member of the predominantly black and latinx World Star Hip Hop audience, wrote back:
“my last relationship was the mistake.”
If you forgot because you’re an ignorant cur who doesn’t care to educate yourself on important world history, Lil Xan and Noah broke up because of a fake Charlie Puth nude. Because she thought it was funny, Noah sent her man a picture of a Sean Cody model’s body with Charlie’s head photoshopped on top and Lil Xan obviously came to the highly-rational conclusion that Noah was cheating on him with this masc-for-masc gay porn Frankenstein.
Lil Xan later did an interview for Complex‘s YouTube series Open Late with Peter Rosenberg and he spoke about the breakup, shockingly being mature and taking responsibility for the ridiculous end to their clearly destined relationship:
“Honestly, honest to God, I would say, most of the reason the breakup happened, it was my fault… We could’ve still been together… I just feel like I fucked everything up… I have nothing but love for the Cyrus family… I was still coming down from all the drugs and stuff so I was just everywhere. I have no bad blood between Noah or nothing like that of any sense with the family. It’s a great family. They treated me very nicely.”
While Lil Xan seems to harbor no ill will against Noah for hooking up with that meme, it seems Noah has a bit of salt left in her. You were a mistake, Lil Xan: she couldn’t care less if you choked on all the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the world. Sigh, another pure love story comes to it’s tragic end.