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Posts by C.J.
I guess the initial reports of Kevin Federline’s plea for more child support came from Camp K-Fed, as I kind of nodded along when the explanation was given that he had been a great dad through head shavings to Las Vegas domination and needed more dough now that Britney was raking it in. Cracks in the story emerged when it came out Britney Spears was none too pleased to see her ex looking for more moolah. Jamie Spears took a break from grits duty to meet with Kevin and his lawyer, but it may not have been as easy as one might have imagined. Daddy Spears went hissing possum on his former son-in-law!
TMZ says Kevin called Jamie last Friday to say he was in a financial position most people would expect the man best known for a song called “PopoZão” would be in. K-Fed wanted more child support than the $20,000 a month he gets now. Jamie wondered where the $20k was going, but Kevin was apparently didn’t divulge much. This comes as Kevin’s lawyer already sent a letter asking for a sit-down talk, which also happened.
Kevin’s lawyer tried to say the kids, Jaden and Preston, are getting older, so he needed more cash to raise them. Jamie again wanted more details since blank checks from Britney should only be going in the direction of a Jamie-sanctioned P.O. box in Kentwood, Louisiana! The lawyer kinda of hemmed and hawed and said more money was needed to keep the kids at the level Britney was raising them.
Jamie reiterated that Britney’s success had nothing to do with the needs of the kids, as she’s always been a good mama bear and knows Kevin is just hard up for ways to pay for his other kids (he has six total). Britney already paid K-Fed $1.3 million in their divorce on top of the ongoing child support. Kevin and his lawyer never named a new child support amount and couldn’t explain a time when the kids weren’t taken care of. Jamie was pissed and argued that just because Britney’s hairstyles have changed over the years, the way she raised the kids (and her affinity for gas station slurpees) has never waivered! I inserted the gas station part, but you know it’s true!
When Jim Carrey presented his latest artwork over the weekend, it wasn’t met with the same kind of applause George W. Bush gets for his finger paintings. Instead, a lot of people took umbrage that his portrait of a “so-called Christian” looked eerily reminiscent of the White House press briefing room possum Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and now think the only job Jim is qualified for is sandwich boy at Quiznos so long as he doesn’t try and squirt any liberal snowflake sauce on their six-inch sub!
HuffPost says Jim’s spokeswoman confirmed the portrait he tweeted was his own artwork but wouldn’t say if it was supposed to be Sarah. See for yourself:
This is the portrait of a so-called Christian whose only purpose in life is to lie for the wicked. Monstrous! pic.twitter.com/MeYLTy1pqb
— Jim Carrey (@JimCarrey) March 17, 2018
I mean, if it sneers like a Sarah, and snipes like a Sarah…it’s probably Sarah! The Twitter-verse handled it about as well as you can imagine, so naturally everyone but, surprisingly, Donald Trump weighed in to say Jim would be lucky to get so much as a Hallmark movie to his IMDb page going forward. Sarah’s dad, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee showed he has a working thesaurus when he lambasted Jim for coming for his daughter:
Pathetic BULLY, sexist, hater, bigot & "Christaphobe" @jimcarrey attacks @PressSec for her faith; what would be hypocritical Hollywood reaction if he called someone a "so-called Muslim" or "so-called Jew?" #classlessCarrey https://t.co/HCqHoER0Ru
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) March 19, 2018
Donnie shouldn’t feel left out, as Jim made time to do one of him, too:
If you liked my last cartoon you may also enjoy…
"THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST WING AND PUTIN’S FLYING MONKEYS“ pic.twitter.com/slBG7j1s8d
— Jim Carrey (@JimCarrey) March 19, 2018
Eric and Donald Trump Jr. have never looked better! Jim has been painting since he was a kid, but I’m not sure his lifetime of experience properly depicted Sarah. A New York Times profile once said she had a look “as if a foul odor had wafted in and she knew — just knew — that the culprit was CNN.” I dunno…Jim’s portrait makes it seem like she’s on the Titanic and was just informed all the lifeboats left without her, which, I mean, isn’t THAT far from reality. In that case, great work, Jim!
In my head, meals with the royal family revolve around whatever THE QUEEN is babbling about (depending on where she is in her daily gin progression) along with Duchess Kate and Meghan Markle throwing verbal daggers at each other, largely focused on which one was able to cause J. Crew’s website to crash that day over her respective coat selection. Alas, the real aggression might not be coming from the commoners. It could be from Prince Charles to his son Prince William.
People says a new book by British journalist Tom Bower doles out nuggets like how Charles feels neglected in favor of Kate’s parents. The next in line to the throne apparently feels “isolated” from Prince George and Princess Charlotte and “usurped” by the Middletons. William and Kate apparently prefer to spend Christmas with her parents instead of holing up Highgrove, an estate from the 1700s where Charles and Camilla live during the holidays. Granny can play this game, as Tom writes that THE QUEEN’s courtiers have “decided to ignore Carole Middleton on social occasions” when they sniffed out Charles felt like he was being upstaged. I don’t know why Carole would be calling the royals since The Crown (obviously the most reliable take on the royal family) implies the conversations I have each morning with a barista at Starbucks are more enjoyable than any of those Buckingham Palace stiffs.
William called his grandma to say his little feelings were hurt, so THE QUEEN tried to do everyone a solid and extend an olive branch to Carole by offering to drive her around Balmoral Estate and even let a film crew follow their antics.
While QE2 clearly knew how to offer a fun time as an apology, Charles really knows how to be a fun sponge. His way to bond with Kate was inviting her out to her first opera. Apparently, the night at the opera was about as enjoyable as you would expect a night at the opera between a non-paying 69-year-old and 36-year-old gal. The production was allegedly a “disaster.”
Robert Higdon, the chief executive of Charle’s charity in the U.S., said, “Charles saw Kate and William as the new stars and feared he’d be in trouble.” Well, Robert was the chief executive until he said that on the record, I’m sure. I don’t really get where all this outshine anxiety is coming from or the need to write a book on it. I’m pretty sure we all assumed William and Prince Harry hid behind the curtains anytime their father and Camilla skipped through the palace du jour, and as for Charles getting nervous about being outshined? HAHA. Oh, henny, nobody has given you a second thought since Princess Diana decided to bare cleavage!